THE LIGHT BULB MOMENT – Challenge yourself by asking the right questions

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , /by

After one of my recent public speaking events a member of the audience gave me some feedback – which incidentally is always welcome – how else can I adjust my sights?  The point he raised actually goes to the core of coaching, and the quest of personal development in general:

“I thought you were going to be giving some answers”.

That fact that I am often quizzed on a wide variety of life strategy issues highlights our fundamental need, as humans, to search for answers. Nowadays there are the added imperatives of wanting answers right now, on tap, and the simpler the better – an impatience that is hardly surprising given the spirit of our age.

 

WHO DOES HAVE THE ANSWERS?

Of course I, like everyone else, have loads of answers, but they are mine, applicable to my life and my issues, and are of absolutely no use to anyone else whatsoever. The fact is, the best person to provide answers for your life is you. However, in creating positive lasting change, the greatest challenge is not actually in finding the answers as we already have them within us in abundance. The real issue is to find the right questions as it is through them that our answers will become apparent.

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”

Eugene Ionesco

 

THE LIGHT BULB MOMENT

The need for asking the right questions is all about reaching that light bulb moment I see so often in my clients. One of the most frequent statements from those I work with is “I’ve never looked at it like that before”. The realization that we already possess our own solutions is both very dynamic and immensely empowering. We have the answers all along – but often we are  just not able to challenge ourselves.

 

THE RIGHT QUESTIONS:

  • Challenge our perspectives and test our thinking
  • Can make us look more critically at the way we do things and the way we view ourselves and our world.

When I say critically, I mean in the most positive and constructive sense – after all, we cannot build anything lasting upon negative foundations.

 

“We cannot solve our problems

with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

Albert Einstein

 

IT DOES NOT END WITH THE QUESTION

Whether in a private one to one session or speaking to large groups, my work is all about challenging people’s existing thinking and perceptions – and my principle asset for that is posing questions and then waiting for the answer. Waiting for answers is equally important for individuals planning their own life strategy: do not rummage around looking for them. Allow calm and space to do the work and if the answer is a natural fit, it will come to you and, quite simply, it will feel right.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff. Alan specialises in stress reduction; conflict management; low self confidence & employee engagement. 

 

 

IN THE QUEST FOR NEW LIFE STRATEGIES, IS PATIENCE A VIRTUE?

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , , , /by

Offering patience as a possible option in fashioning new life strategies can meet with short shrift – and that’s putting it mildly. Patience is often regarded as ‘off the pace’: a waste of time when we should be out there ‘making things happen’. Patience is seen by many as too ‘wait and see’, or being passive, docile and even weak.

 

REVOLUTION OR EVOLUTION?

Most of us know of individuals who on deciding to make a new life change just do so: quitting smoking, training for their first marathon, losing 40lbs… they seem capable of a 180 degree with unshakable determination. We can respect and applaud such discipline & force of will but revolution is not for everyone. AND we certainly must not make comparisons and use those as a stick with which to beat ourselves. For many people evolution is a better fit: a more measured planned approach can get us to where we want to be.

 

BABY STEPS

It’s all bout forward momentum. Have you ever put a toddler down and turned away, only for a matter of seconds, and then turned back only to have to begin trying to track them down? Well, there’s nothing wrong with baby steps! So the sort of patience I refer to has nothing to do with ‘wait and see’ but is all about planned persistence at your pace. It does not signify lack of proactivity – quite the contrary, it’s all about devising an action plan combined with perpetual and most important of all – relentless forward momentum:

  • you do not lose sight of the target
  • you will not be knocked off course
  • and you’re not stopping for….anything!

 

MEETING THE CHALLENGE ON YOUR TERMS

By setting your own pace, you can manage your own evolution by taking measured and positive steps every single day, for example:

  • going for a walk
  • not tackling a pile of mail but one piece at a time
  • making a point of smiling at shop assistants and bank workers
  • avoiding emotional vocabulary
  • periodic ‘turn ‘em off time’ – TV, tablets, smart phones etc (tough one!)

To achieve goals it’s not a prerequisite to take giant leaps, or to turn lives upside down (however, if that’s the pace you want to set that’s fine). Change can be gradual: it evolves, and as such is grows into a natural fit and this time it will take!

The practice of thinking in new ways and doing new things often enough can alter lives a piece at a time. Quick fixes and short term enthusiasm so often leads to short lived benefits, disappointment & regression. Evolution can be the key to real change in thinking and in behaviour and replicates how we took on bad habits – we’ve just reverse the flow. So positive changes can ‘take’ and become our new good habits. What took decades to condition our lives cannot necessarily be turned around in weeks, but real beginning can be made – in bite size pieces….buon appetito!

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff. Alan specialises in stress reduction; conflict avoidance; & employee engagement. 

 

 

NEED MORE OPTIONS? SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE

/0 Comments/in , , , , , /by


In modern life we prize having multiple options and choices, but one of the greatest limitations to achieving these are our own thoughts and perceptions. Therefore, an ability to challenge and shift our own perspectives, and therefore our perceptions, is a huge asset – especially if we occupy a leadership role.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Anais Nin, Author 1903-1977

 OUR PERCEPTIONS HELP US TO SURVIVE

We continually ask questions of our environment, our safety and of ourselves, as they are essential in making the string of judgements and moulding the beliefs required to function and survive effectively. This is what kept us alive in the wild, and it is what we have to do constantly in order to make daily and life decisions. In this subliminal minute by minute flow of ‘what do I do next?’ the decisions we take and the choices we make are conditioned by the questions we pose.

 

WHEN PERCEPTIONS CAN BE DETRIMENTAL

The nature of the questions we ask of our lives or our world will condition the answers we receive. These answers, in turn, can reinforce beliefs we already hold. But what if a particular belief is negative and erroneous, for example ‘I can’t’, ‘I’m useless’, ‘I’m good for nothing’, ‘no one likes me’.  What if our perspectives and perceptions lead us to judgements and beliefs that can be to the detriment of ourselves or of those around us?

 

PERSPECTIVE CAN CHALLENGE PERCEPTION

If our thinking takes us up a blind alley, particularly at work, a useful and sometimes challenging exercise, is to abandon our line of enquiry and follow instead a thread someone else puts forward – usually a friend or a colleague. This may feel uncomfortable simply because we are removed from our normal channels of thought. We may be compelled to move in a direction that would not be our automatic choice given our own upbringing and conditioning – that direction may even be counterintuitive.

 

THE BENEFIT OF THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE

The benefit is that we are really challenging our own thinking. In fact, the more uncomfortable this process becomes the greater the rewards can be. This is particularly true when meeting an obstacle in a project at work or in our lives in general. Simply put, if a chosen line of thought proves stubborn then take a run at it from a different direction to that you would intuitively select. This can serve a purpose if only to confirm that we were on the right line already: discounting an alternative route – properly explored – can really shake up progress.

 

If we care to look, the perspective of questions others may pose of us can often be far more illuminating in areas we may not even have thought to explore.  There is always a way out of a maze: approaching a problem or challenge from an altered perspective creates options and choices and can get a stalled situation on the move once again. While true and lasting change may not come easily, the journey can be exhilarating and liberating once the shackles of our own modes and conventions have been tested robustly.

 

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff. Alan specialises in stress reduction; conflict avoidance; & employee engagement. 

THE NEED TO PURSUE YOUR OWN DEFINITION OF SUCCESS

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Most entrepreneurs will be all too aware of the pressures that go hand in glove with being self-employed. The pressure not only to succeed but also to be seen to be successful, is inherent within the very fabric of our society. 

 

WHEN SUCCESS CAN FAIL

We are taught to want to ‘succeed’ from a very early age, and once past infancy the forces at work, driving us forward: our parents; our teachers; and our friends, are irresistible. We become conditioned with the need to compete and in a competitive society this is a useful driver to have. However, if we become conditioned to value our worth by what we believe the world thinks of our success, our thought process and behaviour can create huge dissonance with our core values.

 

TIME TO REFLECT

Most of us at some time in our lives have uttered the plea ‘stop the ride, I wanna get off!’ but seldom do we question that urge. What many of us do not appreciate is that we do not need to ask permission of a third party to stop the ride, in fact all the controls we require are in our hands. This does not mean have to mean walking away from existing life styles, nor for abdicating responsibilities. Rather, it is a call for regular pauses, short periods of reflection to re-evaluate our understanding of our lives, our aspirations and our emotions.

 

OWNING SUCCESS


How often do we question how we personally measure success & why? Our social and cultural conditioning measures success by whether or not we surpass those around us. We spend our time, therefore, making comparisons with our peers and competing on that basis. We often fail to explore what success really means to us. As a result we spend our time chasing goals reactively preset, and which may have absolutely nothing to do with our innermost desires and core values. Only by matching our lives to those desires and values can we attain our own true success and fulfilment.

IF WE DO NOT TAKE PERSONAL OWNERSHIP OF OUR GOALS BUT INSTEAD ABSORB THOSE HANDED TO US – ULTIMATELY, THEY WILL NEVER STICK!

It is for all of us to challenge our own thinking and, possibly for the first time, take a serious look at what makes us tick as opposed to what convention dictates it should be. If we take the time to take a look, we may be pleasantly surprised.

 

. Alan specialises in helping executives, entrepreneurs & their staff to manage stress levels, conflict resolution, self confidence & potential burnout! In doing so he employs mindfulness, emotional intelligence, life coaching/CBT, & more than 3 decades of experience as an international sales executive.

 

 

FEAR OF FAILURE: The Claustrophobia of Creativity

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , /by

‘Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt’

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

 

Fear of failure is, more often than not, the fear of not measuring up to others in our peer group. It can also be a fear of falling short of what we believe to be other people’s expectations of us. Such anxiety does not originate from within us but is acquired over years of social conditioning and learnt behaviour. The good news is that it can be identified, observed, & left far behind us.

 

SEEKING APPROVAL

Our desire for external appreciation, approval and esteem is perfectly natural for us. We are after all a social animal and so need to find cooperation within a very complex social structure. This desire, however, can compel us to abandon any consideration of ourselves in favour of a futile search for external affirmations of our worth. The desire to please others in order to feel of value becomes a need that can never be fulfilled –  and can distract us from focusing on our own potential and fulfilment.

 

OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

If we are trying to live up to the expectation of others this is often because we imagine what they want, what they are thinking. In such cases we are second guessing what they are thinking and are invariably wrong. The fact is, we have no idea what other people are thinking.

 

“FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION”

How often do we hear this brand of 1980s movie mantra rattled out as the worse kind of tough love / hard motivation in the workplace? Well, we’re human beings which means we are going to fail – so we’d better get over it. What really sets us apart is our ability to learn from mistakes/weakness/failure, whatever we want to call it. Every advance of the human race has been hard won through trial & error. From Shakespeare to Michael Jordan the ethos remains the same: the worse thing we can do is not even try.

 

MINDFULNESS

Through regular mindfulness practice we can make positivity of outlook, clarity of intention, & compassion, our moment by moment priorities. As a result, the external approval we once sought so desperately fades in importance and we no longer have that overwhelming need to satisfy others. Instead we find a profound sense of our inherent worth & our core values. With this comes an underlying strength & calm which gives out very positive energy to everyone we come into contact with.

Whatever we seek to achieve, we should allow ourselves the luxury of the compassion, the patience, and the common humanity we so easily afford to, for example, our close friends. We see our friends strive and fail and yet we are there supporting them all the way. We are no less entitled to the same understanding. Once we have thrown off the shackles of fear ‘lest we fail’, we will meet challenges, be they in business or at home, with an enthusiasm that views errors and failure as merely signposts on the way to greater successes and achievement.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff. Alan specialises in stress reduction; conflict avoidance; & employee engagement. 

 

 

HOW TO ENHANCE YOUR OWN SELF BELIEF

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , /by
Belief is the key to all work related to changing life strategies regardless of whether someone is setting such plans for their home life or their business.The belief referred is not that associated with faith, but instead is concerned as it applies to facts, to our reality and to objective judgment. So what it is we need to believe in order to take control of our lives?
BELIEF IN THE POWER OF POSITIVITY…
We can all agree that allowing negative thoughts and actions to preoccupy us, contributes nothing towards positive change in our lives. If, on the other hand, we recognise the positivity that already exists for us, there will be a change in our thinking – and that can only have a beneficial effect.
BELIEF IN OUR POTENTIAL…
We need to recognise, acknowledge & connect with our strengths – we all have them – the stuff we are good at. At this point, if we can hear a voice saying ‘I’m no good at anything’ then that is a trip wire alerting us to the fact that we are allowing excess negativity into our thinking. If we allow negativity to run the show the results will be predictable. The truth is that by the time we reach maturity we already possess everything we need to achieve our own fulfilment – we just have to reveal it.
BELIEF IN OUR CIRCLE…
Lets make sure that we are surrounded by people who are truly in our corner, and who bring positive energy with them. The power of intention – our will to make things happen – is a matter of fact and it works so much better the more of us there are all wanting the same thing.
BELIEF THAT IT’S OUR DECISION…
Of course, we are not in control of what others think and do, but we are totally responsible for our own thoughts and behaviour and, importantly, our reactions to people and events. It’s our choice to turn off the autopilot & once we take ownership of what happens next, it gives us much more clarity as to the choices we have to make.
This all leads to one thing: BELIEF IN OURSELVES….
This is what it all boils down to. We can set our goals and formulate our plans but the engine room is to be found in believing we can do it. Once we back our abilities, once we create an environment where our strengths can be enhanced by drive and optimism, there’s nothing that can stand in our way.
“If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves”.  
THOMAS ALVA EDISON 
Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

 

BUILDING INNER MOTIVATION

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

In the first of two blogs I shall be discussing the nature of, and the need for, inner motivation. In the second piece I shall detail some straightforward things that can be done on a daily basis to help generate and sustain it where it matters – from the core.

As with all change be it in our thinking, our actions, our behaviour, and our habits, it all originates and is sustained from within ourselves – and from nowhere else. The same is true of motivation be it in business or in our private lives.

Motivation begins with a thought, a desire for achievement. Achievement, that is, on any scale: it does not have to be an Olympic gold. Whatever it is, we have to want it badly enough to push ourselves on, to challenge our own boundaries, and to move towards preset goals instead of waiting for our lives to simply ‘happen’. Ultimately there is nowhere to hide – it comes down to how badly we want it so, if it is not already the case, now is the time to take responsibility and to take control.

 

When reaching out to achieve a goal, we can sometimes find obstacles in our path so there may be times when we ask ourselves, wouldn’t it be easier to compromise our goal? Wouldn’t it be simpler to lower our expectations of ourselves? These are the times when we feel ‘on the anvil’ and it’s right here where our inner motivation really needs to kick in and make the difference.

 

While the motivation must from within, we can boost it through external inspiration from any number of sources: our loved ones; famous figures; stories of hardships overcome; a novel; the list is endless. Inspiration can help us to fire our motivation, but it cannot be anything more than an occasional boost – it is from far deeper within us that we find the real power to realise our desires.

 

It is for each one of use to throw down the gauntlet at our own feet. With our goal well set we can rise to our own challenge, remain focused – reinforced in our motivation to finish what we started. In that way, if our path appears blocked by an obstacle, our initial and only reaction is in deciding whether we go around it, under it, over it, or straight through it. Basically, we’re not stopping for anything!

CAN ACCEPTING A WEAKNESS BE BENEFICIAL?

/0 Comments/in , /by

CAN ACCEPTING A WEAKNESS BE BENEFICIAL?

 

weakness

noun
1.
the state or condition of being weak.
synonyms: frailty, feebleness, enfeeblement, puniness, fragility, delicateness,
delicacy,

2.
a disadvantage or fault.
Synonyms: Fault, flaw, defect, deficiency, weak point/spot, failing, foible,
Shortcoming, imperfection, blemish, chink in one’s armour

THE POPULAR VIEW
When such definitions and synonyms are combined with a western puritan work ethic, there is little wonder why our culture and society views weakness – and in particular admitting we have any – with such negativity. In many areas of our lives weakness it is seen as, quite simply, unacceptable. No where is this more pronounced than in the world of business where accepting weakness is often regarded as kryptonite. Ours is a ‘can do’ society where individuals ‘in control’, or those who make things happen, especially in the teeth of a storm, are greatly admired.
Real life strategies, especially at work, need more than gung-ho attitudes to stay the course

THE DAMAGE WITHIN
A problem we face is that we pften fear our weaknesses and seek to keep them hidden – sometimes even from ourselves. Such negativity thrives in the dark corners of our consciousness and if left to its own devices it festers and grows. Many believe that if they admit to a weakness they will be judged and criticised by their peers (as if those same peers do not possess weaknesses themselves). The internal corrosion of fear and self-judgment, and the stress and anxiety it creates, is not only damaging to our health, but is also completely unnecessary.

ACCEPTING WEAKNESS
The acceptance of weakness has to be clearly defined. Surely we all accept the fact that we are not going to be good at everything. Our abilities, our thoughts and actions, all have their ups and downs. Weak points are inevitable, but accepting that fact does not mean we are giving in to, or indulging, a flaw – it is a simple matter of reality and the sooner we grasp that fact the sooner we can get on and do something about it.

If we ignore where we’re vulnerable, rest assured our competitors will not

In businesses one so often hears military and sporting metaphors being used, but many ignore an attitude to weakness prevalent in elite sport and the military: they ignore it at their peril. They may wish to conceal any weaknesses from a tactical point of view, but behind the scenes their attitude to weakness is realistic, pragmatic with a very practical and up-beat outlook.

THE BENEFITS OF ACCEPTING WEAKNESS
Once accepted, a weakness can be more easily quantified, understood and then work can begin to do something about it – a small piece at a time if necessary
There is no longer a hidden fear linked to our most vulnerable points as we begin to rise to the challenge of addressing them
When weaknesses comes to light, be grateful. Knowing they are there is half the battle because whether we like it or not, they’re there
Being more intimately acquainted with the topography of our abilities and character makes us better equipped to face life on our terms. After all, if we know where the ditches are we can avoid driving into them
Enormous motivation and forward momentum comes from tackling a weakness as opposed to ignoring it
Whether weaknesses are neutralised, contained, or even removed altogether, we can then concentrate on the game winner: playing to our strengths.
If we do not manage our weaknesses, we can be certain that,
sooner or later, they WILL manage us.
We hone our strengths and seek to perfect them as they are our vanguard in life. But improving a weakness, even by a few points can raise our whole performance right across the board.

Emotional Intelligence

/0 Comments/in , , /by

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE is regarded by successful business leaders as an essential skill to compliment IQ and is defined as:

“The capacity for recognising our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships”

The five domains improved by enhanced Emotional Intelligence are:

SELF AWARENESS
Improved connections to our emotions & their effects on us physically, our thinking & our behaviour. A greater understanding of our emotional strengths and limitations.

SELF MANAGEMENT
To better control our behaviour and reactions. We also become more flexible in challenging circumstances

SELF MOTIVATION
Strengthens our ability to get inspired, motivated, up-beat, and ensure we stay there consistently

SOCIAL AWARENESS
Understanding the emotions, wants and needs of others. Being better attuned to body language and moods, be it in individual or a group dynamic.

RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT
Developing relationships & communications. More empathetic & effective management – picking up early warnings signs of potential conflicts.

85% of financial success is due to skills of personality, communication, negotiation
Carnegie Institute of Technology