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CONFIDENCE BOOSTER No.4: Handling Criticism

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The challenge: To take criticism the way it is intended and learn the lesson in its context.

If we offer or simply think critically of someone in a negative sense, we are not seeking to improve or to support, but are simply passing judgement. On these occasions, there is something else at work which in most circumstances has little or nothing to do with the poor soul on the receiving end. In most instances it’s about our own ‘stuff’ – our frustrations, our disappointments, our ‘what ifs’ etc. Ultimately, that judgement may have nothing to do with the target at all!

The same is true when we find negative criticism coming our way:

  • It has next to nothing to do with us.
  • The comments cannot be objective (otherwise they would not be negative).
  • This breed of criticism will not be helpful.
  • If the criticism comes from a stranger, it’s not even personal – how can it be? Remember they do not know you.

Therefore, we are merely the canvas upon which another person has chosen to sketch out their issues. Incidentally, if the negative judgment comes from a close friend, then that is a clear sign that your friend is in need of your help and support. Pitch in and find out what on earth’s the matter.

With all this clear in the mind, it is easier to take positive feedback from friends and colleagues in a constructive way and in the manner in which it had been intended – with good will.

Exercise:

  • Identify the source of the criticism/feedback and ask yourself, “What is their intention?” – Is it well intentioned or not? Is it to your benefit or not? Write it down.
  • Note an instance (more than one if you really want to drill down on this issue), of when you feel you have been criticised either recently or in the recent past… write it down.
  • What was your reaction? Keep writing!
  • Then conclude – on serious and accurate reflection, is the criticism really something that should be taken to heart?

As in all personal development, this is an ongoing process and the more you practice doing this, the more it will become a good habit. Over time, this will replace the feelings of being under siege when you are criticised and will remove the reaction of self-defence – be it internal or external.

CONFIDENCE BOOSTER No.3 : The Damage of Comparisons

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Another unnecessary pressure we heap on to ourselves in an already pressured environment is when we compare who we are, how we look and what we have achieved, to others – & such comparisons are rarely favourable.

THE CHALLENGE: MEASURE YOURSELF TO YOUR GOALS, NOT TO THE  PERCEIVED SUCCESSES OF OTHERS

  • It’s time to measure up to your own standards and not those set by peer pressure and the desire to be like someone else – these have a detrimental effect on self esteem in a very profound way.
  • If you compare yourselves to others you are not going to have the full picture necessarily: the sacrifices they made to get there; how happy they are with the outcome; the effects on other aspects of their lives i.e. home & family. You do not see the full picture so you cannot know how successful someone REALLY is beyond the superficial.
  • While you are busy measuring up to others you can miss your own opportunities where your particular strengths & talent can shine – effectively you stifle your own talents.

 

EXERCISE: SET YOUR OWN GOALS

  • Identify your skills and abilities (as in No.2), and match these to goals you would like to achieve. This way you play to your strengths…..why would you want to do anything else?

By all means, seek inspiration in others, in their achievements and the examples they set – but in doing so give full credit to your own abilities. In aiming for your goal, ensure you do it your way and for your reasons. The keys word here is AUTHENTICITY, which will check negative comparisons at every turn.

HOW TO MAKE A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE ‘STICK’

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Our desire to be a different body shape to that we already possess is one of the obsessions of our age and so many of us are subject to this at some time or other.

THERE’S NO SECRET

We all know what it takes to be in better shape and unless we are impeded by a medical condition, we know that it could not be simpler: eat better and be more active. Anyone who has problems with yo-yo dieting and ‘workout phobia’, however, knows that it is clearly not that simple. If it were we would all be doing it instead of complaining about it. We want to improve our fitness, we know how to go about it and yet so many of us struggle – clearly there must be another dynamic involved.

 

EXAMINING MOTIVATION

The first place to look if we are struggling is to examine our motivation for wanting to diet/workout. If we are having difficulty we are most likely not doing it for the right reasons – we are not doing it for our reasons.  We may be pressured into trying to make change by, for example:

  • Our perception of what other people think of us
  • How we believe we ‘should’ look
  • Trying to live up to the body image the media thrusts before us (the main aim being to shame us into buying whatever they happen to be selling).

 

If we work at developing higher levels of personal awareness, we are able to bring into sharper focus our own emotions and motivations. This in turn will provide the lasting shift in thinking and therefore habits, that will make yoyo diets and wasted gym memberships a thing of the past.  In short, a well thought through healthy lifestyle program will focus on:

 

1. Helping to establish realistic goals that reflect innermost desires.

2. A step-by-step plan to achieve those goals.

3. Clearing the mind through meditation so thoughts become less cluttered, allowing distractions to be observed, understood and more readily handled.

4. The removal of guilt, shame, and self-judgement for how we think we look at the moment – and the low self esteem issues that come with them.

5. A positive attitude to a change in lifestyle and the acceptance of setbacks as a basis for continued forward momentum and not a reason for backsliding.

6. Accepting full ownership of the journey and ultimately of the success it will bring.

 

The success, or not, of a health & wellness programme has a great deal to do with our social conditioning and mental attitudes. If we are carrying burdens of, for example, unrealistic expectations, guilt, and shame – that is the weight loss we need to tackle just as much as unwanted waistlines. By focusing on the inner challenges we face, as an integral part of healthy lifestyle goals, we can achieve a real and lasting change – the way we want it!

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff. Alan specialises in stress reduction; conflict avoidance; & employee engagement.